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Wednesday, April 18th, 2007
8:35 pm - I NEED HELP

I know I need help but I have no where to go.

I have finally had enough guts to go against my bf and stop my meds because they prevent me from restricting.
I can't do it anymore, I feel like they rule my life and the weight is going to kill me.

I don't know what to do with myself, I eat, restrict, execise, drink and my mind keeps on changing and bouncing back and forth and back and forth, I cannot make any actual decisions outside of work.

I feel like I would rather not be here at all but I'm not suicidal, it's more like, I just want to run away.

Please if anyone knows, tell me what to do.

(19 comments | comment on this)

Tuesday, May 2nd, 2006
1:20 am

Not gonna lie. I sort of want boys to like me. I want them to look at me instead of my friends.


(13 comments | comment on this)

Wednesday, April 19th, 2006
11:16 pm

people without an eating disorder can't seem to fathom not going along with what other people find pretty. I don't want a toned stomach. I want to see the ribs all the way around my body. I want my wrist bones to show no matter what angle my hand is at. I want to look down and see my underwear because my hip bones are holding my pants away from my stomach.

everyime I join a gym- the same thing happens. I never actually lose weight (depite going 4-5 times a week) my breasts get smaller and my waist gets bigger. what. the. fuck.

*sigh* I just need to go into an ugly home >.<

ugh ugh ugh ugh fat *everywhere* I feel sick.

(25 comments | comment on this)

Saturday, September 3rd, 2005
9:38 pm - Wondering.....


Ok. I have been lurking around in this community for quite awhile now, trying to get up the courage to post. 


Question and some info on meCollapse )

current mood: hopeful

(40 comments | comment on this)

Friday, June 3rd, 2005
7:29 am - YUMMY YUM!

Two great discoveries I am totally addicted to at the moment:

Tropicana Twister Zero- Comes in Fruit Punch and Lemonade. The fruit punch is my favorite-- NO CALS, and big taste! The lemonade has 10 cals.

Sugar Free Mountain Dew Energy- No suger and makes me buzz!

They are both so yummy and really hit the spot, especially ice-cold, with the hot weather coming.
They both have aspartame, not Splenda, unfortunately.

current mood: chipper

(8 comments | comment on this)

Thursday, June 2nd, 2005
10:52 pm

am STARVING. i mean i'm sooooo dizzy right now and i'm weak and i just want to EAT something. not anything big but i'm so confused about what would be acceptable this late @ night....
total cal's today: 570

oh jesus.
i really want a peeled apple :S but that would bring the total up to like 660! yikes!
and it would be like my 4th fruit serving :S


OR what about a glass of soy milk? it's 80 cal's, and 3g of fat....
that would take my total to about 660 as well, only it would be more vitamins and minerals and some protein.
and haven't had any dairy servings today.....

please tell me your imput as i'm so hungry but i dunno what to do...or if i should even give in at all....except i'm kinda dizzy

(35 comments | comment on this)

7:42 pm - Bliss

I'm sooo happy to say that I've been hanging on so well since my brother left. I've been keeping it at 600 or below every day without even wanting more (unless it's an extra apple... damn sugar cravings). And I weighed myself today! 120, baby, hell yeah! 8 pounds gone in a week. I think a lot of it is water weight and muscle loss, but hey, loss is loss!
It's so odd how full I've been feeling, though. I don't understand how easily restricting is coming back to me this time around. Maybe because school's about to end and there's little stress around (except about finals), and school-related stress is my main binge-trigger. And I think eating a can of tuna every day is keeping me going, too, because (even though it's sooo low-cal) it's almost completely protien, and keeping my body happy. I don't think I'm getting enough veggies, though. I usually have a salad for lunch at school but the salad bar hasn't been open for some reason (having me resort to an apple instead).
Well, the loss was a good modivation, which I've been needing lately. I'm shooting for 110 by the end of June, which I think is possible. I don't want to visit my dad without being able to say I've lost another 30 pounds since the last time I've seen him.
Oh, and I was wondering if anyone here gets back pain? Mine hasn't stopped aching in days, esp when I lay down. Any vitamins I could be lacking?

current mood: good

(5 comments | comment on this)

2:05 pm

I'm not going to post in your thread, because if you are going to come to our community and ask a question, you at least should be willing to accept our answers WITHOUT screening. In your journal, fine.

If someone has a disease (we'll say, Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease, since I like to say Jakob..... Jakob) and rather than seeking treatment for this moderate, yet potentially deadly disease, they go find other people who also have CJD, and revel in the side effects, talk about what it's like living with CJD until they ultimately either die, or at least have some catastrophic event that pushes them to go seek medicine, would you, realistically, think they were doing something good? Would you be OK with a "CJD is AOK" center next door? Would you get the bumper sticker, and show your support for people who, rather than attempting to treat and overcome their disease, have decided to wallow in it? I only ask because everyone here seems to present the "It's a disease, we're just trying to feel solace in our misery!!!" argument, but diseases are inherently treatable.

As a psychologist, some points:

(1) Not everyone can financially afford professional treatment
(2) Some people have tried professional treatment and it has not worked
(3) Not everyone is in a position to get professional treatment (obligations, taboos)
(4) Not everyone WANTS professional treatment
(5) This is a form of treatment

An extremely relevant analogy is substance dependance and its treatment. Substance dependence and eating disorders have the following in common (and more):

* Isolation
* Sense of loneliness
* Depression
* Health risks

Substance dependance treatment is largely treated in two ways:

(1) Treatment of physical problems

The treatment of physical problems approach realizes that some people will engage in these behaviors (use drugs/eat problematically), so unneccesary health risks may as well be minimized. In drug use this is done with things such as needle exchanges and pamphlets about various ways to reduce the spread of disease and other matters. In the ED community, this is done by exchanging information on various things that people have learned in their years of experiences with EDs. Communities like this are a great way to get out harm-reduction material.

(2) Treatment of mental problems

The treatment of mental problems such as isolation, loneliness, and depression are best cured with social networking and support. In drug treatment this is most commonly treated through a 12-step program such as Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous. When people first join AA or NA, like in these groups, they discuss how the problem is evident in their lives. Over time some members of both groups put their disease in to remission, and then they ways in which the problem is evident in their lives changes dramatically, so they begin to talk about their recovery from it.

These communities ARE treatments for people with eating disorders, just as 12-step programs are treatments for other mental disorders. Even if they are not the best treatment, they are far better than nothing. Coming here and telling our members that all the crap you're doing to yourself right now is just not worth it is likely to discourage some people from returning, especially the newer members.

I don't know about you, but I'd much rather be a little overweight, happy, and STILL ALIVE!

I would rather that our members are underweight, suffering (or possibly recovering) from an eating disorder, but have an environment to feel safe discussing their conditions than having people be underweight, suffering from an eating disorder, and absolutely alone.

(11 comments | comment on this)

11:27 am - questions

So after the ban on ephedra has been lifted, has anyone found a way to buy any?
I was looking on google, but couldnt find anything.

also, does anyone know how to get Adderall without a perscription, besides of course driving down to mexico?

thank you all so much.

i want to embody everything that makes her so perfect.


(16 comments | comment on this)

2:36 pm - i was wondering.....
thinskinned000 Hi, I know that doing certain yoga exercises helps your digestion process, but does anybody know whether this could help speed up your metabolism too?? Any other tips on metabolism would be great also; ive always found it rather confusing. Thanks :)

current mood: tired

(4 comments | comment on this)

7:45 am - question i'm really curious about.....

is it really bad to have both a serving of oatmeal [made with water], and a serving of beans [1/2 cup] in one day?
is that too many carbs?
my intake would be about 600 cal's once i include my vegetables and 2 fruit servings.

i'm worried only cause i've got that awful weight on my mind....but i'm thinking of safest ways to keep myself satisfied for the day cause mum and i are going to a nearby town where if i'm hungry, i could get very vulnerable because i'm emotional right now cause of that blasted weight!!!

please give me your imput....:S
i can't have cereal cause we have no rice/soy milk in the house right now.

(6 comments | comment on this)

7:18 am

ok now i REALLY feel fat. ew. this is gross.
i weighed myself.......98.5 lbs!!!! WHAT THE HELL?!?!?!?!?!?!
ok but really how do i gain 4 lbs in like 2 days when i didn't even do anything wrong?!?!!?!?!?!?!
this is by far the most depressing thing.
i am officially pissed and sad and confused and i just don't know what to fucking do!
i hate myself right now.
i have no idea why this fucking happened!!!!!!
oh my god....
i feel like i'm gonna have a god damn panic attack.....this is horrible horrible. i feel awful. i feel crappy. i feel worthless.

current mood: worried

(14 comments | comment on this)

Wednesday, June 1st, 2005
11:19 pm - Live Journal Virgin
stolenhalo3 Hey - I'm new to this, and I just wanted to see if I was in the right spot. I've been feeling pretty alone lately, and I was looking online and came across this. It's been nice to read some other posts and see that there are other people experiencing the same thing as I am, and feeling the same way. I am obsessed with food and eating (or not eating). Food is constantly on my mind, - it literally consumes almost my every thought. (so much so that I've lost some friends, and I've given up a few other things I used to love) I constantly cook for my friends and family (mainly cookies, cake, or brownies) but I don't eat with them. Unless I secretely binge. And when I binge, I'll eat more than I've ever seen anyone eat. It is disgusting. And embarrassing. I used to purge - often - but I stopped for awhile. Unfortunately, I just started again, and it's so relieving. I play a spring sport and the coaches called my 'lack of eating' due to the fact that I was growing weaker and weaker. They contacted the school counselor and my parents, and since then I've basically been force-fed and watched like a hawk. But - I've basically gotten my parents and friends off my back, and I'm done with the sport, so I don't have that in the way. So I'm finally free again. Thank God, since I gained so much weight. I have never felt this fat and disgusting in my life. But - I am in control again.

Anyways - that's just a brief. HAve I found the right place?

(5 comments | comment on this)

Thursday, June 2nd, 2005
1:02 am

I hate bulimia. I'm sick of this endless cycle of eating and throwing up. It hurts my stomach. I alwyas feel gross and ugly. I never feel sexy anymore...never.

(16 comments | comment on this)

Wednesday, June 1st, 2005
10:59 pm

anybody want to go on a liquid fast???? let me know if anyone is interested :)

(20 comments | comment on this)

8:29 pm

565 cal's today.
weigh-in this morning = 96.5.

am contemplating having an orange. am REALLY craving an orange! it's 85ish cals.....hmmmmmmmmmmmm......that'll bring the intake up to 650. don't think that's too bad. i'm thinking i can give in.

current mood: hungry

(comment on this)

5:21 pm

200 calories. I feel absolutely amazing.

All I've had today is lots of water, half a granola bar, a cup of this amazing vegetable soup and one low fat stoned wheat thin cracker. And I'm going horseback riding tonight so I can burn it all off.

I feel amazing taking action and doing something for my body. I won't screw it up tonight.

(5 comments | comment on this)

4:19 pm

Ugh, still looking for a bathroom scale. Where do you think I could find one? Target or something? I don't really want to spend more than like $30-$40 on one, though.
I also got some calcium supplements today.... Should help my teeth a bit.
Restricting has been going ok (not to jinx myself like I did about teh b/ping). Kept under 600 yesterday. Would have been under 500 but I wanted an apple sooo badly. *shrug* Apple can't hurt, right? And I've been going through diet coke like crazy now that I found out that the phenylalanine they use in it only makes you gain weight if you have a disorder that makes you not able to process it well enough in your bloodstream. *cheers* Diet coke is a god to me. Didn't really want to give it up, say the least.
And I've re-discovered broccoli. Blanched, it's wonderful.

current mood: chipper

(7 comments | comment on this)

9:18 am - here i am here and now...


Name: Destiny
Height: 5'3
HW: 132 lbs
CW: 118 lbs
LW: 100 lbs
FGW:110 lbs
SGW:105 lbs
(from my second goal weight I'm going to set another final weight)

So yeah I know I've lost 14 lbs already but I still feel absolutely huge; I should of not let myself get to this stage oh college, beer, and rugby what have you done to me... (I am impregnated to a 4 pack of guinness)

so here be some progress photos

Read more...Collapse )

current mood: aggravated

(39 comments | comment on this)

10:45 am

I am not what I seem
No one really knows who I am
The scenes in my head are from a bad dream
I'm not real, does anyone give a damn?

All I feel are bad things to come
My feeling cannot be explained
I don't need to hear that I am wrong
To try and try leaves me drained.

I'm going under
this time will be deep
By the end of it all
maybe 6 feet

I am always just below the surface
I can never breathe
When I think of far gone I am
my stomach starts to seethe

I don't thing anything will help
No matter how I am loved
It all in my head and my heart
The words that should heal will always be shoved

(3 comments | comment on this)

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